Psych Patient, MD

Straddling the border of sanity

Divided Longings

It is Thanksgiving in the United States, and I am feeling blue. What a shock! But it's not because I am alone and lonely. I feel blue because I am torn about where to spend my holiday time.

I am flying to California to visit my nephew. I love him dearly. We grew up together. We have always had a special bond between us. I haven't seen him in over a year. I should be excited. I usually am when I visit my family. But this time I am hanging back. I want to be somewhere else.

I want to stay where I am because I have finally started having a real life again. I am no longer alone nor lonely. I have a wonderful man in my life now, and his family has accepted me as a part of his life. I feel like I am in a TV sitcom where despite the everyday problems, everyone truly cares for one another. I didn't have that feeling growing up in my own family. I almost prefer to stay here rather than return to the world I knew as a child.

And that makes me feel guilty. I have a family in California that loves me, even if most of them aren't speaking to me at the moment. And there's my mom, may she rest in peace. I feel like I am betraying her most of all now by being the daughter that I should have been to her with someone else.

But you know what? I'm not depressed about it. I am sad. I feel blue. But I know that these are normal feelings. I know that they will pass. The world is not going to end, and I don't particularly want it to.

There is hope for me yet.

The SAD time of year

It is the time of year that I always dread. The holidays? Not specifically, though I have never been especially fond of them. No, it's the time of year when days get shorter in the United States. You see, I'm one of those lucky ducks with a depression that worsens at the drop of a hat. Okay, maybe not the drop of hat. But wintertime, for sure, gets difficult for me, much like it does for those with Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD for short.

People with SAD get depressed when daylight period of the day/night cycle gets shorter. It is thought to be related to disruption of the human circadian rhythm. It is treated with light therapy. There are special lightboxes that are made to simulate natural daylight. You sit in front of it for a couple of hours a day to make up for the lost daylight hours. These boxes run about $400 each. My therapist that insurance will often pay for one if a prescription for it is written by a doctor. I'll let you know if that is true when I get back on health insurance. Until then, look for me by the window.

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