Psych Patient, MD

Straddling the border of sanity

Girl Talk

I miss my mom.

I never talked much with my mother about "girl things." I didn't really talk much with her at all. I was busy with school. She just wanted to know about the social life that I didn't have. In our culture, children become adults when they marry. I think she was waiting for me to get married before she shared "grown-up" things with me. But she has passed on, and I'm still single. Now what do I do?

My mother will not be at my wedding. I will have to pick a dress without her. My mother won't be there to calm my father when I argue with him about planning the event. Who will advise me when I have problems dealing with my husband or in-laws?

My mom will never hold any of my children in her arms. Who will I go to with questions about pregnancy and childbirth? Or parenting for that matter? I don't even know when my mother went into menopause. She barely explained menstruation to me.

I will be more lost without my mother as an adult than I ever was as a child.

Fear

When everything is going your way, are you ever afraid of waking up in the morning and finding out that it was all a dream?

I never realized how much happiness scares me. I want to crawl into a hole and hide, so that I can treasure the moment and keep it safe. I am afraid that if I share it with anybody, it will be taken away.

I've never had anything that was truly mine to keep. Maybe such a thing doesn't exist.

Why is everything I experience tainted with fear?

Right vs. Happy

Dr. Phil often asks, "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?"

Cantcha be both? lol

There are some people in the world that you can argue with until you are blue in the face, yet nothing can ever be settled.

Then there are people who back down right away, just to avoid confrontation. I hate myself whenever I do that.

I went through a phase during which I absolutely HAD to have validation that the world was doing me wrong. Don't be pulling any of the "reality check" crap on me 'cause I wasn't buying it. I was done wrong, and I was pissed about it, and dammit somebody besides me was going to recognize it.

But that wasn't going to make me happy.

Dr. Phil talks about "right fighters," people who have to be right no matter what the subject. They just can't back down, even for the sake of peace. I couldn't back down, even for my own peace of mind.

There are things in life that can't be changed. Accept them and move on. The things that CAN be changed are worth focusing on, can make your world "right" and might even make you "happy."

No Newer Entries No Older Entries