Step Families: An Opportunity to Develop New Relationships

2005-05-31 Posted at 03:06:58 PM

Many people remarry thinking they are entering the same sort of relationship they had in their first marriage.  This is certainly a mistaken notion, as everything will not evolve in the same way it did during the first time around.  First off, you have to deal with all the past history of which you were NOT a part.  Next, if there are children involved, you have a WHOLE bunch of unexpected new hurdles to climb.  Soooooooooo.....many step-families fail because they operate on WRONG assumptions. These erroneous judgments lead to failure.

A little history here.. I have been married to my second husband for twenty-five years.  We have four children and ten grandchildren.  The first five years were rocky to say the least, but we stuck it out and love each other differently, but dearly still.  Our kids and grand kids are an assortment, as are those in most families.  

Let’s concentrate on the primary couple relationship first.  I hope that before you married, you agreed on the kind of relationships you would have with your ex-spouse and ex-in-laws.  If these things were not previously discussed, you should get cracking and iron them out now.  Remember, if you have children, you will always have a relationship with your ex...just because you have children.  Successful parenting only comes from those who are able to continue to communicate with each other.  Else all suffer, especially the children...as they become pawns in malicious games of blame if parents are not sensible enough to learn to let go of the hurts and griefs and assumptions of the past to get on with living in the present.

 Glenn and I learned early that we had to talk with our ex about many things regarding our children’s well being.  This requires acceptance and trust. We both had to accept the fact that talking to our ex was absolutely necessary and important to mental and physical health of our children. Next, we supported each other in the decisions we made regarding our children’s well-being.  We knew that we loved each other and we loved our children.  We also knew that the relationship we had with our ex was secondary to our own.  It took a lot of growing up and redefining our lives to do this.  We did.

How about sharing some success stories about how you and your ex created a context for raising your children, while you got on with your life. If you are willing to share stories, perhaps someone else will profit from your solution to a situation they are facing.

Let’s hear from you.

Bee Brewer
Retired family therapist
Past President Missouri Association for Marriage & Family Therapy

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